I had the strangest dream...

I was married, and we had 5 kids together, but apparently I had been in some sort of depressive fugue for years, that I sort of "woke up" from.
And I didn't know my kids--my husband had been taking care of them by himself the whole time. I couldn't even remember the kids' names.
So I was trying to reconnect with my husband--I would try to hold his hand, and cuddle with him on the couch. I was trying to show him that I cared, and that I understood how hard his life must have been the past however many years, being basically a single father and having to take care of me doing whatever I was doing.

And he sort of responded, but was also fairly distant, and I knew that we both had an underlying fear that I would fall back into that depression.

He seemed like such a good guy. And he also seemed so overburdened. I felt horrible that I had done that to him, but so helpless about it.

We decided to renew our vows, and that day, there was something that caused the "wedding" not to start on time, so we were kind of waiting, and I saw him kissing another woman.
And I went over and yelled at them both, but then I started to realize that it must have been so hard for him to deal with it all, and it sort of makes sense that he would have to go elsewhere for emotional support and whatnot.

So then I started trying to figure out what I could do--should I leave him? But it's not like I could go out and get a job. Or should I just accept that he had this outside interest, but still maintain our relationship, in some capacity.
Obviously I couldn't take the kids, given that he was the only parent they'd really known.
And then I started thinking maybe it would be better if I committed suicide, and then he and she could get married and raise the kids, and it's not like I had been contributing to their lives any way.
But if I were to kill myself, where would I do it? I couldn't in the house, obviously, or one of the children might find me.
And I wouldn't want him to find me either.
And I was thinking about that when I woke up.

I find it interesting that I didn't really make an attempt to reconnect with the kids, only with my husband. And I felt very bonded to him, and very sad that he had to endure everything. And even more sad that I felt like he couldn't trust me enough to reconnect with me.

Any ideas what on earth this means?

On the human condition

Ahh, human relationships. Why do they have to be so complicated? Why can't we all just say what's on our minds? (Politely, of course). I hate games. I hate trying to read people and figure out what they're thinking. Why can't they just tell me? Seriously.

What I want from my job

1) Every customer who walks in the store has the best retail experience possible.
2) I know what my job is, what's expected of me, and that I am contributing positively to the store.
3) We are building a team mentality.
4) We are constantly striving to take our team to higher levels in training and service.
5) We are training leaders, and empowering all associates.
6) Associates are being coached when it's wrong, to help them get it right.
7) Communication.
8) We build our brand through sampling, customer service, and word-of-mouth.
9) We appreciate the talents of our associates, and build on individual strengths.
10) The Fish! philosophy is in practice.
11) Work is fun, and feels meaningful.
12) I create a positive atmosphere for myself and the associates with whom I'm working.

On married men

It is exceedingly rare that I meet a man who I truly can see myself in a relationship with. Yes, there are a lot of men I'm attracted to. There are many who I get along with quite well. But to actually be drawn to him, and believe we could truly have a happy relationship together--there have really only been 2 men I've ever met who I really could see that with.
And neither of them have been available.
In the not too far distant past, I thought I'd met one. A guy who I was very attracted to, intellectually even more than physically, who I could have awesome conversations with and who told me I was smart and funny and easy to talk to.
But now he and his former soon-to-be ex-wife are now going to be working things out.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him and her and their two children. I don't begrudge them their happiness.
But why is it that I never meet viable relationship options when they are actually available?

The obligatory 9/11 post

6 years ago, the world changed. It was a Tuesday, as is today.

I think some of us (not just certain presidents) have completely lost sight of the beautiful horror of it all.

For several months after 9/11, flags looked different to me. I can't exactly explain how. It was almost as though they became 3-Dimensional. The colors looked deeper. I suppose it's that I felt the symbolism behind the stars and stripes. At the time, I was driving back and forth from Centerville every day, and there was a car dealership right on the freeway that never flew their flag at half-mast. The flag at the Layton Hills mall, which is probably 4 times larger than a standard flag, sometimes brought me to tears.

When we started bombing in Afghanistan, I was sad. At the time, I saw it as an ugly necessity. I understand that we can't allow ourselves to be attacked in such a manner and not stand up for ourselves, but I was saddened by those who celebrated it. War is an ugly, horrible thing.

Innocent people died. And continue to.

People are the same all over. A life has intrinsic value, American or not. I think we forget that sometimes.

Six years, and more than 70,000 deaths later. Some of us are protesting, some of us are still celebrating. But how many of us have allowed the reality of it all to really sink in and change us?

http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/

The Power of Now

What does it mean to be in the moment? Can one truly live every moment of every day, appreciating that moment for what it is?
And should we?

Tuesdays in April

It just occurred to me that today is 9/11. Tuesday, in fact. September 11, 2001 was also a Tuesday.

Tuesday was named after the Nordic god Tyr, who is the god of war.

In the Thai solar calendar, Tuesday is named for the Pali word for the planet Mars, which also means "Ashes of the Dead."
In Latin, Tuesday is called Martis dies which means "Mars Day" (Mars is the Roman god of war).
Hindi word for Tuesday is Mangalwar, with Mangal being the Sanskrit name for the planet Mars.

In the Greek world, Tuesday is considered an unlucky day.
The same is true in the Spanish-speaking world.
For both Greeks and Spanish-speakers, the 13th of the month is considered unlucky if it falls on Tuesday, instead of Friday.

So, is there an actual connection between Tuesday and the God of War?

Incidentally, astrologically speaking, the month of April begins in the sign of Aries. And astronomically speaking it ends in the constellation of Aries. The origin of the name April is uncertain.

April is by far the bloodiest month of the year, historically.

Wars that started in April:
American Revolution
American Civil War
Bosnian War
Rwandan Genocide
Armenian Genocide

Other April bloodbaths:
Two deadliest volcanic eruptions in recorded human history
President Abraham Lincoln's assassination
The Frank Slide
The 1906 San Francisco Earthquake
The sinking of the RMS Titanic
The Deir Yassin Massacre in Palestine
Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination
Adolf Hitler was born and died on April 20th and April 30th, respectively.
Woo Bum-Kon spree killing
Chernobyl nuclear accident
The 1992 Los Angeles Riots
The bloody end to the Branch Davidian siege in Waco, Texas
The Oklahoma City Bombing
Qana Massacre in Lebanon in 1996
The Port Arthur massacre in Tasmania, Australia
The Columbine High School massacre in Littleton, Colorado
The Virginia Tech massacre in Blacksburg, Virginia

September doesn't have nearly the bloody history (although my morbid self thinks it would be a little bit cool if it did).
World War II started and ended in September.
Steve Irwin died in September.
Obviously September 11.

You know I didn't sit here and gather all these facts myself. Wikipedia is a very good resource for random factoids. Just don't write a school paper with it.

This really isn't supposed to be a religious blog you know.

Often, I get so focused on thinking and ideas and reading and learning and studying and "looking into" and evaluating and pondering and ruminating and analyzing and reflecting and scrutinizing and living in my head and I forget to just

Feel.

Be Still, and Know that I am God. (Psalsms 46:10)

I have felt God. It's an amazing feeling. But I find that when I am seeking God the most, often I am actually pushing myself further away.

I have issues with Christianity, which, if you don't know now, you probably soon will.

Jesus was awesome, there's no doubt about that. But between the Inquisition, Catholic Priests (and the fact that Catholics fucked up the Bible hundreds of years ago), slavery, segregation, the KKK, the gay bashers, and the current presidential administration, I have a very difficult time aligning myself with anything "Christian."

Because Jesus wasn't like that. Jesus would never have wanted people killed in his name. At Gay Pride Day, he wouldn't be standing on the corner holding a sign that "AIDS is God's curse on fags." He would be walking among the crowd, hanging out, hugging those in need of hugs, and simply giving love wherever he went.

He certainly wouldn't have condoned cross burnings, and I don't believe he would have tolerated slavery.

Jesus was love. God is love.

God loves you. And me. And Charles Manson. And Hitler. And black people and Iraqis and terrorists and...sinners. And saints. We are all His creations. "I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own — a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty." --Albert Einstein

If I believe in the need for salvation at all, I believe that Jesus did it. He saved THE WORLD, not only those who read the Bible.
Now, I can buy that some of us may be unable to accept his grace. Some of us are so riddled with guilt that we are unable within ourselves to give it up to God.
But I don't think religion helps us to do that. In fact, I often think it hinders it.
I know it did for me.

I have a hard time believing that Jesus' crucifixtion was necessary. I am not worried about going to hell. I believe God is better than that. I don't believe He sent us all here and set us up to fail (because, you know, we're all sinners) and then punish us, but then sent Jesus as a whipping boy to "fix it".

Where is the sense in that?

I know, "sense" falls under the heading of "thinking" which isn't as important as "feeling." Rather than seeking logic in God, I should be seeking God. This is a problem I'm trying to work on. But I don't believe God is illogical either. And I certainly don't believe He is mean. Hell is not "justice" for anybody.

Oh yeah, and the "He" thing.

Is God a male? If He is, I believe He has a female counterpart. Blasphemy, you say? Not at all.
If God is a male, and there is no female, why did He see it necessary to create two genders? The answer: He wouldn't have.

So I think I'm rambling a lot more than I intended to, but these are some of my issues with "Christianity."

But I think for now, I'm going to go pray. Because really, that's where ALL the answers are.

How does it all fit?

I don't have a set religious/spiritual view of the world. I know that Christianity, as it is currently put forth, isn't what I believe. As Einstein said, "I cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures, or has a will of the kind that we experience in ourselves." He also said, "I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty." This, in a nutshell, is why I have a problem with Christianity today.
I have always said that if Christianity consisted of Jesus, C.S. Lewis, and myself, I would totally be Christian. And I have decided that Anne Lamott could be part of our Chrstian clique, and I'm quite sure neither JC or CS would object.
But on to the point of this blog: I believe that the universe tests me. I haven't yet figured out how this fits into my overall belief system. I don't feel that whether I pass/fail said tests will result in salvation/damnation, but I know that I'm being tested. I suspect the biggest reason for these tests is for me to prove myself to myself. The current test (which, by the way, I failed), I believe was there to prove to me that I had grown and risen above a certain behavior. And even though I failed said test, I have learned that said behavior no longer satisfies the need it once did, and I believe that if this test occurs again, I may pass it.
I don't feel judged by anyone but myself on this test, however. I don't feel that God is hanging His head in shame at my failure. Nor is he putting me on the damned list, or taking me off of the list to heaven. Because I don't believe in such things. I simply feel that I have failed myself, by slipping back into old behaviors that I knew damn well no longer worked for me.
But I still believe this test was intentionally orchestrated. By whom? Possibly by me. I ultimately believe that we create our own reality; so did I create this test for myself?
It's interesting--there have been several factors that have come into place over the past week or so that have made this test possible. I can look back and see it all coming together. Some of it was factors that are seemingly completely out of my control (people being in certain places at certain times and whatnot). There was definitely some intelligent design behind the whole thing. Was that me? Was that God? Was that the collective consciousness of the world? Who set up this test for me?
I'm still aggravated that I failed. I'm still dealing with after-effects, and may be for a few weeks. Dammit--I knew better.
But seriously, the larger issue: what intelligence is designing my reality? Is it an entity outside of myself, or is it my subconscious mind?

Fascination

Crushes are funny things. I've had hundreds in my life, and have several right now. But that's not to say that I'm boycrazy. For one, not all of my crushes are on boys. For two, I'd say only one of my crushes is romantic.

Once upon a time, I had a crush on a customer at work. I would literally go to work, a little excited because he might come in that night. Sure I'd be a little disappointed if he didn't come in, but my hope got me through the night, and odds were even better that I'd see him the next night.
One night I slipped him my number, and asked him to call me. And he did.
And we went out a couple of times. And I realized he simply wasn't what I hoped for.
I wasn't excited to see him at work any more. I missed the hope of seeing him.

And recently, there has a been a guy coming in who I simply adore. I get butterflies in my stomach every time he speaks.
The few conversations we've had have only increased my fascination, and I just want to know him better.

But maybe it's better to just be twitterpated with him at work. Maybe he's just a reason to have hope for the day. Is the hope of seeing him better than having him? How does one know?